I want to do so much with my life, sometimes it’s hard to see past the rain and look for the rainbow, I am trying to remind myself to do so every day. This illness has beat me up, threw me down and left me on my ass but it is slowly starting to teach me things. It really can make or break a person and it can be challenging to not let it break me.
What my illness has taught me… so far :
1) Not to be judgmental. I know I walk around with a big smile on my face but inside I feel like I am dying. I not only struggle so much with my illness, but with self esteem and mental disorders as well. Never judge a book by its cover.
2) I can make it through anything. I wake up everyday thinking I will not make it through the pain that has been thrown at me. But somehow, each day I live and go to bed and wake up and do it again.
3) I am a spiritual being. I do not believe in God himself. I believe in prayer and the thought of something greater. I believe it is within ourselves and that we are our own God. There’s been many times where I have asked to get through this day or that day.
4) Live everyday you can to your best ability. I have to admit I am quite the couch potato but it wasn’t like that before my pain really started. I am going to be working on this step in the up in coming weeks but my pain free days are becoming less and less, I try so hard to make the days I am pain free enjoyable and happy. (I will get more into this in a bit)
5) Love your family. They really are the only people who are there supporting me through everything.
6) The power of music. I have ALWAYS, always loved music. I used to think I would be some hot shot producer in L.A when I was younger.. how wrong was I? Well anyways, I just have to put in a G.Love CD and sit outside and all my troubles and worries are gone for that moment in time.
7) I have more on the list.. but I can’t think anymore.
My goals in life to make myself happy :
1) To have my career. I want to be a lawyer one day, starting with baby steps, focusing on rape victims and similar situations. I will start
2) To live on (or very close to) the beach. I adore California. Everything about it is what I want. I love how everyone is so laid back and friendly. I love the views, how you can live in a shack and no one judges you. I want to be the girl that lives in the shack on the beach with tons of surfboards in her front yard, sand all over the furniture. It’s just too damn expensive there. Lower your prices California!
3) To learn how to surf and learn how to do it well. I have always envied people who can surf. It’s such an amazing sport. I want to get the feeling they get when they are in a huge wave just cruising along. And I want to surf everyday.
4) I want to swim with dolphins. The thought of dolphins make me incredibly happy, what could possibly be better than swimming by their fins or getting a dolphin kiss?
5) I want to learn to be happy. Happy with myself, happy with my life, happy with others around me.
6) I want to have more happy days than painful days.
7) Get married and have a family. I don’t want a huge wedding but I want it to be full of love and passion. I want to write our own vows and be hopelessly in love. I want to have another baby or two and then hopefully get all my lady parts removed.
8) I want to retire somewhere tropical. I am such a beach babe at heart and stuck in Maryland. Marylands great and all, but not if you don’t have a boat.
9) Just like before, I am sure there is more.